Monday, February 11, 2013

Two Little Piggies...

It's been a while. As The Fat Knight goes on his diet, so does his blog. However, we as humans occasionally have an idea that is just too amazing not to follow through to the end. This is the story of one of those ideas.

While perusing the weekly circular for Jungle Jim's, I noticed that pork tenderloin was on sale, BOGO style. I also noticed that JJ's Bacon was on sale 2/$7. The perfect storm had arrived, and it was time to strike. I sprang from my office chair and made haste to my car. My keys jingling in anticipation, I fumbled to start up the car, then drove a completely legal speed to the store.

Upon my arrival, I made a beeline for the door. I saw an old woman eyeing my regular shopping cart, and punched her in the throat giving her the only information she needed as consolation, "Because pork, granny!" I proceeded through the store, passing up my regular temptations of cheese, whiskey, and cigars, like a whirlwind of dedication and perseverance checking children over the deli counter and throwing their loved ones through the bakery case. My eyes were on a meaty prize that day, one that my stomach would not let me lose.

So then I bought four pork tenderloins (they came in two-packs, and THOSE were BOGO), and a couple pounds of bacon. I also did the rest of my shopping, then left.

So today I awoke feeling the excited, meaty yearning for pork-on-pork action only the fattest of knights know. It was time. Here's how the recipe goes:

Pork-on-Pork Pork-Fest
You're welcome for the new wallpaper.


  • 1 Pork Tenderloin
  • 1 lb. of Bacon
  • A delicious meaty rub of your choice
  • Some Canola oil.
  • Black Pepper
Phase One:

Preheat oven to 400F

Lay a strip of bacon on your giant cutting board. Lay another strip at a right angle at one of the corners. Fold the first strip back over the second, and lay another strip down parallel to the second strip. Fold the first strip back, then lay a third strip parallel to the first and second. Repeat until you're out of room, then mimic the process downward, making sure to alternate over and under as the starting positions for each new strip. At the end, it should look like a cross between those old lawn chairs from the 80's, a potholder, and bacon. It will take almost an entire pound of bacon. You're welcome.

Phase Two:

Lay the pork tenderloin at the top of your bacon weave. Rub generously with your delicious meaty rub (I used Wow-a-Chihuahua, which is delicious.) Flip it over and rub that side, too. Now, roll it toward you, puling the bacon around it as you go. You may have to tuck in some loose edges, this is art, not science.

Rub the outside down with some canola oil, then place the monstrosity on a rack in the bottom of your stainless steel roasting pan, grind on some black pepper, then put it in the oven. Put your probe thermometer in it, and let it stay there, uncovered, until it hits 155 degrees F. 

Phase Three: 

Pull that sucker out of the oven, and put it straight onto the electric griddle to crisp up the rest of that bacon. The bottom likely needs more attention than the top. Pull it off when it's sufficiently crispy, and let it rest 10-15 minutes. Slice it up. Eat it.

Serve with: a healthy dose of "shut up, you're eating pig wrapped in pig, and you shouldn't need anything more than that." ...or a pint glass of scotch.

Next experiment: a bourbon glaze will be added.

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